I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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