I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
