Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize