I could make wine with my vomit
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
