so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
