If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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