If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
