Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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