I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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