She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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