Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
