Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my shit smells like andre
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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