God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
