forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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