My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
