the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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