Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
