genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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