you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
