Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
