I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
