it wasn't lemon gatorade
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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