My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
