I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
