I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
