drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
