True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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