I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize