Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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