I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
