I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
