So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
