I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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