mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
All the doctor said was why
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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