so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
