u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Green mimosas i think yes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
