i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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