do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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