Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
