I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
