Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
