Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
