last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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