Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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