tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize