I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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