dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
