and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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