my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just high enough for therapy.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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