Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
