You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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