Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
