i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
