Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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