fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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