I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You pole danced in your parka.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
