You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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