i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
