plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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