She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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