Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
