Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
