i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
