How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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