I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
